How to deal with a disrespectful grownup child? We know this one is a difficult struggle, but below are a few tips on how to deal with your grownup child in an effective manner!.
What Will I Learn?
- 1 6 Reason Why Grownup Children Are Disrespectful
- 2 Conclusion:
Having a disrespectful child seems like a nightmare. Remember the days when your baby couldn’t have enough of you.
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Your days were filled with their cooing and laughter. It used to seem like you were the center of the world, and they are always looking up to you for one thing or another. The picture-perfect adorable parent-child relationship is something that warms every heart!
Being a parent, you are well aware of all the progressions and developments that came into your relationship as time passed. Your heart used to swell with pride whenever your child made any achievement.
Fast forward to their teenage years, that’s when all the dynamics changed. The same adorable little duckling of yours turned into “Dory who has no master”. Your child not only began to throw tantrums on your every intervention but also started to talk back. That’s when your heart is broken down into tiny bits and pieces because you never saw that coming.
It is utterly unimaginable for you that your little munchkin has turned into an angry warrior that can even say rude words to you straight on your face. We need to ponder upon the evolution of the dynamics of the parent-child relationship. And how to deal with a disrespectful grownup child?
Let’s discuss some of the common reasons why grownup children are disrespectful to understand the entire situation at the grass-root level.
6 Reason Why Grownup Children Are Disrespectful
1. They want space
Grownup children want to be independent and all by themselves, unlike their initial years, when they were looking up to you for everything. They want to have a sense of freedom and taste the perks of adult life, be it having relationships or hanging out until midnight.
You care for them the same way you have been caring for them since day one, but they just don’t get it anymore.
They think that you are unnecessarily intervening in their life, trying to influence their choices or restrict them to follow specific rules and values.
Grownup children want to have their own space. If they feel like you are stepping in their personal space, they often act impulsively to shut you off by being reactionary that translates into snapping back and being disrespectful.
What to do?
You have to acknowledge that your child is no more a baby. Yes, he/she still needs your care, attention, and wise intervention but in a different way now.
Try to analyze that are you providing enough personal space to your grownup children? Does your care seem like surveillance to them? Is it one? Does your home-environment is restrictive and suffocating for an adult?
Try to be open-minded. Have you ever gone through your child’s’ stuff such as their diary or phone to keep an eye on them, and they got to know about it? That’s precisely where all the misbehaving is originating from. However, if you have provided enough space to your child and still he/she doesn’t include you in their “new” life, then you need to act wise by keeping a watchful eye from a distance.
Be tactful and subtle in your ways to correct them because exerting the same authority on them as you did in initial years can have strong reactions now, which will further complicate everything.
2. Your Views Don’t Match
If your religious, political, moral, or ethical beliefs don’t match, and if you don’t approve of their lifestyle, this particular thing will cause tension in your relationship. Your child is going to turn rude real quick after all the attempts they made to convince you.
As children, we are conditioned to seek validation from our parents because they are the one that creates and influence our self-image the most. This lingers on in our adult life, and we continue to seek this validation in different ways.
The reason why your child wants to convince you of their opposing ideologies/ways is that your opinion still matters to them. Once they see that you are not going to accept that, then as a reaction, they start to misbehave and discard your opinions altogether.
What to do?
You do not have to change your fundamental views just because your child has different ones, but that doesn’t mean you have to discard them off completely.
Learn acceptance. You can embrace your child and accept their views without believing them yourself. Sometimes it can be tough, but being a parent, you are supposed to be the one who has to act as a bigger person. Acknowledge that you have no full control over your child’s’ mind, and at times, they can surprise you with their inclinations.
3. They Think You Play Favorites
This one is the biggest clash that often arises in families. One child feels that you favor the other one more, and this turns into an endless debate. Maybe it just their perception, or chances are it is true. But if a child believes that he/she is not the favorite one, then that’s where all the drama and trouble kicks in.
Children are attention seekers. They want you to give them attention.
Sometimes they become over-demanding. When they can find no other way to gain that out of you, then they start to misbehave because it is going to shake you up, and you will give that attention or reaction, which they are demanding.
What to do?
You can never convince your child that you have “no favorite,” and all are equal for you. This debate has been going on for ages, and no child ever believed it truly! So what you need to do instead is to try giving them the attention they demand or at times, the care they need even if it means putting other things on hold for a while.
However, in an attempt to convince one child, you can provoke the other one, so be careful if you think giving less attention to ‘favorite one’ would help in any way.
4. Past Resentment
This can not only be had for you to hear but also very hard to acknowledge especially if you have never thought of it or have been living in denial. Often the child reacts years after some damage to their emotions was inflicted.
If you were unfair or uncaring to your child in their early years, if you were authoritarian and used stripped them off all perks as a means to control them, then this is what leaves an imprint on your child’s’ mind and that bottled up resentment shows itself in the form of disrespect.
As an adult, your child is more capable of defending himself/herself. This is why the same child who once used to cry over your anger now yells back at you. In such cases, grownup children deliberately misbehave to give you some taste of your own medicine. That is when, how to deal with a disrespectful grownup child becomes a real concern.
What to do?
The first thing to do is to look objectively. If the traits mentioned above define you how you were as a parent in the initial years of your child’s’ life, then the disrespectful behavior of your child is a big sign that its high time to heal that damage. Children have self-respect and some ego too. Any damage to it can linger on as dysfunctional behavior later in life.
Learn to apologize to your children when necessary. Now that doesn’t mean you have to apologize for all the ways you had to parent them. It also includes being occasionally mean to them for their good.
5. They Want Something You Didn’t Get Them
If you didn’t fulfill your child’s’ demand, be it material or not, then they are going to react by misbehaving. Just because they are now, adults didn’t change anything because they might be behaving like the same 3yo crying and throwing fists, lying down on the floor of a shopping mall if you didn’t buy them their favorite toy.
What to do?
You don’t have to give in to all their wishes the same way you used to do back then when you knew they were unreasonable and just a passing thing. Never normalize misbehavior as a means of getting out benefits from you because it will turn into a trend real quick. Deal with it mindfully. Listen to them and try to have a proper conversation about it. Tell them that being disrespectful is no way to gain anything.
6. They Are Following You
Now, this is something that doesn’t even cross your mind at first. Children always copy their parents. They learn about social behavior and life skills from them. If they have seen you being mean to your parents back in their childhood days or even now, then this means you have set an example by your self.
What to do?
If you can amend your ways with your parents, then that’s the first thing to do to break the chain of unhealthy example. However, if they are no longer alive, later try to make your children realize what mistake they are making subtly. But do not turn over-dramatic about it because these days kids are very sarcastic and chances are this trick isn’t going to work on them by overdoing it. You can also seek advice from your peers facing similar situations that how to deal with a disrespectful grownup child.
Parent-child relationships, no matter how much they appear to be sabotaged with all its ups and downs over time, has always a room to fall back together because that is one of the most beautiful and significant relationships in our lives!
Try giving it a chance with an open heart because only then “How to Deal with a Disrespectful Grownup Child” wouldn’t remain a problem.